Stop. Don’t you dare think suicide. [Part 2]

Dear You Wishing Suicide,

Please stop and get some little wee bit of rest before you actually want to do suicide now. I know nothing seems to make any sense when you are feeling this low, even if you are or are not in the self-explanatory “depressive state” within the harrows of dying. Yes, I know. Whatever is happening outside is none of your business already, and you are all set to hang or burn yourself to body motionless mode. Well, life isn’t cut out for everybody. But how about, allowing yourself another 20 years to live first and see how it goes? If you really have decided and pinned your hopes on death later, you can do that but don’t get caught. BUT, excuse me, that is not the point I wish to make.

We are all lonely and suffering. In some way or many ways, somehow. Some people have many coping methods and supportive networks that made it work better for them, so they don’t feel the weight so much on their shoulders. Others that are not so lucky, probably live like pain lasts forever. Sorrow lives on to drown all the good sides of their very own souls till they become this mindless drone moving about without care and remorse. They become emotionless because pain has gone so deep till they no longer feel. And of course, some people slide into an incredibly numb and woody stupor after which they head down the long depression route and eventually will contemplate suicide.

Being a classic INFJ, I really don’t have have a tonne of friends who can weather the storm with me. As an empath, I have heightened sensitivities. I can get sad and angry easily when others become sad and angry, and I take in the world around by a snap of a finger. My mind and heart can get very busy and racy, and often I shut out the world by embracing solitude more than my peers, which sometimes isn’t the best thing. However, I have developed some helpful mechanisms to allow me to go on my daily activities without disturbance, and even to an extent leverage on my sensitivities to boost my productivity at work.

Thankfully, my parents who ironically speaking, ain’t quite the best parents in the world as they were so punitive to me when I was young while stubbornly standing tall as republican-traditional, is still there for me when I feel like crying out ass. Even if they don’t indulge me perpetual hugs or tell me it’s going to be all right (they are not so expressive) while throwing in untimely lectures, they would sometimes cook or buy me simple delicious lunches or dinners so that I don’t go hungry. They would tell me to go to bed early and don’t stay up to tire those eyebags. They would share with me nifty life habits which would benefit me so that I don’t worsen into some rotting shit-hole by myself when life’s miseries are alllllll hell yeahhh happening full steam ahead.

Committing suicide is a superbly massive form of courage. This courage could measure up to the same courage a warrior would take on, to die for the country at battle with the risk of everything in demise and all the grand aspirations they have dreamed of, falling apart as they perish. The courage of possibly not having a home to go back to after fighting so much and giving back to the nation what the nation has given to them more. In other words, dying for nothing is immense bravery.

Before you use this courage to reach for the hanging noose or that lighter to burn yourself down, why don’t you try these options instead?

1. Have that very same courage to be grateful for what you have

Thank anybody and anything that comes to your mind. If you think your career is practically going down the pipe, with nothing else that you can save, think why you have this job and why others still DON’T. Do you know many people out there in this world would want what you have, but can’t? Or because of poverty or a lack of education, they would never even live in a city like you do, with clean water and beautiful sidewalks? Be thankful.

2. Have that courage to talk to someone first

It doesn’t even have to be a friend or family. You could strike up a short conversation with a McDonalds crew staff smiling whenever you order, a Starbucks employee, or someone you encounter in your commute. If you have a pleasant and fun work colleague, you could have a short chat about life with them. You don’t have to directly let them in, into your personal life, but you can hear what they have to say about certain topics, like politics or entertainment. It can be interesting, but do steer clear away from narcissistic assholes. Effectively, even 5 mins of talk can be uplifting with a friendly acquaintance.

3. Have that courage to hang around animals or save them if you could

I used to do this all the time whenever I come back home from work, or have enough time before meeting a friend. I would actually search high and low for my neighbourhood cats and dogs, knowing all their hideouts and favourite hangouts. I know this particular calico cat which frankly loves to frequent the police post around my block, and is not shy of cops. I would go there to say hi, have it brush against my legs and just stare at it licking its paws and body fur. Neighbors do come round to feed those cats and if I’m lucky to chance upon that time, I would have a treat just looking at these cats chomp down their food in front of me. If you have the opportunity to save a cat or two should they bump into you for a rescue, you are the chosen one to change their fate (and yours too).

4. And..of course, be that courage to save someone who is in need

I know this may be overly dramatic like the movies and soooooo cliche being replicated tenfold in metaphors or memes. But.. the same courage you hold to kill yourself can be used to save other lives! Why can’t you volunteer as a youth detective or elderly assistant to lend a helping hand to the community? If you are not ready for that, you can start smaller by doing little things for your friends or family who might appreciate that thought the most when others weren’t so ready to help. Maybe when a stranger had dropped their purse? Now’s the time to do something. But remember, no one is asking you for the moon in saving their asses for real. You can still be who you want to be, and not sacrifice your daily life just to assist a person in need.

5. Have the courage to fight back at life or change it

Not saying you should not be a coward. But when life attacks you with shitcrates of lemons in automatic burst mode, you are supposed to retaliate with your own version of a submachine. You WILL holler back and ask what the hell life wants, then kick its butt till it flies to Yosemite. You will rise to the occasion and be a better person. Would you be put down by this setback when life keeps running you weary? It’s time to let life know what you are truly capable of. Get over a breakup, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

6. Have the courage to love your life even better

This is very difficult I know, when you already feel like dying. How do you even love your miserable life then? Well, you can. See all your mistakes as fun, and if there are no mistakes, you would not even have imagined life to be SUCH crazy fun in unconventional banter. Life can be very monotonous, dull and boring when everything is in their respective places and no one disagrees. Two days ago, I made a terrible mess at spray painting an already glazed ceramic vase. It looked so horrendously disfigured and distorted than it originally was meant to be, and I had wasted time doing it. Now, I have more hassles to deal with - I have to scrape all the excess dribbles of paint that made the surface uneven before painting more coats to hide the shit I’ve done. But mainly, I now need to spend more money buying more tools and better paint to resolve this failed spray paint job. Even so, I am beginning to love what the potential of this failure can become. It is exciting to imagine a new mess becoming avant-garde art soon, lol.

…….And so many, many, many more things you could do, with this courage to die. Really.

This suicidal courage which you have, you could muster the courage to confess to a girl or boy you’ve had a crush on since day lord knows when. You could use the courage to go on a solo road trip to Germany. You may even become a Minimalist with the courage to minimise and declutter your possessions for a cleaner home. You could even build your own empire business from scratch. The list goes on and on into multiple lists, and life is actually, not half bad. I hope you feel better soon. And if you don’t, pop me a message and I will get back to you. Seriously.

Stop. Don’t you dare think suicide. [Part 1]

If any of you are reading this and thinking (or ruminating) if you should end it all, to finish your life in one blow of an instant,

STOP.

JUST STOP IT, RIGHT THERE. RIGHT NOW.

DON’T YOU DARE DO IT.

NOT YOUR TIME YET.

SO JUST.. STOP.

Look, I know how it feels to want to end things in your supposed end game, when MISERY is straight up THE ONLY BLESSING you likely have. That emotion is so deeply etched in your head and heart right now, you can’t ever shake it off and everything else just doesn’t seem like you could go on. You believe you are always falling in reverse, wondering why the hell suicide always comes running back to you in full circle calling out to you to do it. But, dear you gracious human whoever you are, you are really not alone in your crater of problems. Not at all, alone. Although well, technically, we only have our own bodies to take care and account for independently but that is not the point in this situation. If ever, emptiness haunts you late at night, know that even I, someone from the so distant internet galaxy LOVES you and would give you the chunkiest, plumpest bear hug for as long as you want if you just knew that someone like me at the other corner of the world cares. If you weren’t my friend which I never had the chance to get acquainted with, I’m so very sorry and regret that I can’t emergency board the next flight to your state, county, or township and stay up all day and night to keep you company in the hours you hole up in your room as you go through the worst shit in life.

We’ve all been there, somehow, and some of us got rather beat up and worn. Now, I’m not going to be that weird spongebob idiot that says “Hey, one who got cancer probably has it far worst than you”. Or, insensitively blurt “that neighbour with autism or an arm, leg, or spinal disability is still trying to live out his life to the fullest but you probably aren’t.” WTF. If some priggish friends or even one particular family member said these to you, they deserve a huge smorgasbord of smackers in the face and no one can complain. Because they don’t ever know you, or how you are feeling in your unique predicament. Yes, your circumstance is SPECIAL. No one compares and no one will be like you. Remember that Chainsmokers’ song? “Cos I don’t really like anybody, so don’t tell me I’m like anybody”. OHH yeahhhh, you aren’t into anybody or anything and can’t be bothered about how people think of you. You are just doing you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to die so don’t suppress this as a matter of being weak.

For starters, take a deep breath. Breathe in the whole damn fucking world around you and exhale that. Do it again, this time overloading your lungs till they are almost bursting, then let it out. Repeat this until you are ready to snap out of the rut, presuming you are in a toilet crying at school and had the disastrous nuclear mental meltdown. Once the air slowly clears apart from the staleness you experienced, take a good step out of the cubicle and give a splash of water on your head to freshen up. You got this.

Life is hard, I know. In between trying to escape the tragic plight of the hunger games every now and then, we get caught up in someone else’s crossfires and are shot right in the chest, twice. Or thrice. Or more. Ouch that fucking hurts. Yes, it sure does. But don’t put yourself down for it. You are strong, you are capable, and you are worth it. Build your bulletproof. Now, I don’t want to sound like an overdone mantra journal or motivational stationery quote collection you can find on Typo, Kikki K or Urban Outfitters. However, there is still life for you in every ray of hope, sunshine, rainbows and unicorns that you just got to see them for yourself in order to realise. Everything may be blind now, pitting into darkness, darkest of places but you will overcome them and find that piece of delicious chicken in smokin’ BBQ sauce tempting you out of your black. YES. YOU WILL GET THERE.

So for now, why don’t you just grab my hand and let’s just go grab a cuppa coffee with some funky jazz music at an awesome teashop that sells coffee better than tea. How bout that?

Love Yourself: Be You, Be Proud, Be Happy.

This is not a reaction to K-Pop sensation BTS’ album “Love Yourself” (good lord, no.) and their epitome UN speech on self-love. But rather, an honest appeal to self-evaluation, self-reaffirmation, and the acceptance of who you truly are and should. This is especially so in youths these days who are constantly looking at their peers to mirror and social media for validation. Don’t get trapped in the labyrinth of media madness out there. Kudos to Lady Gaga sharing “Social Media is the Toilet of the Internet.” Yes, there are good things in social media, but toxic material proliferating on tweets and grams are far reaching viruses out there. Our Internet can be stinky and deplorable on excessive expectations and hate, and other nonsensical filth persistently clings on. No amount of cleaning would take out these remnants of excrements. Spending long hours hooked up on the online toilet (the dark side, I call it) can make you feel so small and unloved. Bear in mind, you don’t have time to lose yourself in there. You only have one life to live, and that is yours to own. Be yourself, before anybody else.

DON’T BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. be you, be proud, be happy.

Oh. The Oddball-ish “Mulan Rockstar Tomboy” ?

Back when I was a teen and even up till my late twenties, I REALLY, genuinely hated myself. I hated how I look, how I was, and what prospects would lie ahead of me. Even now as a 33 year old, periodically at times, I would struggle to accept my actual body and soul and seek to be someone else. Essentially, throughout my lifetime, there were countless occasions I wanted to be like everybody else BUT me. Growing up as an Asian Chinese, I hated my tanned skin not reminiscent of a dainty damsel, I hated my less-than-demure big pouty Angelina Jolie lips, hated that I didn’t have a huge circle of friends while mostly being bullied in school and not the popular girl in class boys would date. Due to that, I also detested my birthdays because my so-called “friends” never ever remember or celebrate them. You could guess by now I had some form of terrible low self-esteem.

Of course, I hated that I was quite dumb and consecutively failed Math. I hated that I was way more Mulan than Sleeping Beauty, and I shot more arrows than played dolls when I was a kid. Although I too, played a lot of dolls because many girls my age played them and I had to join the famous girly club. In addition to playing dolls, I was building cool houses for them. I had used raw materials to build these houses. I stashed away emptied Yakult bottles for the formation of turrets. Designing the extent of how my dolls could live in my imagination set me on fire. I wanted my dolls to live in weird places and hang around esoteric objects that my girl friends found very odd and didn’t understand the tiniest bit why. I also had Barbie fight Ken very often LOL.

Then I went swimming every week to shy away from the Chinese dance class my Mom signed me up because the feathery fans were cringey and trigger my allergic sneezes. To complicate matters further, I was an introvert and an empath. I disliked talking too much, preferring to listen and kept things to myself. I had tonnes of unusual hobbies and interests at a time when kids were just following mainstream norms. I started learning Japanese when I was 12 years old, after the PSLE exams, because I wanted to read manga natively. So I pestered my highly impatient Mom about this and one day she finally caved in and allowed me to attend Japanese classes by myself. And then I was into loud rock music. I wanted to be a rockstar when I was a teenager in a country known as Singapore where rock is stereotypically reserved for Malay groupies. Not to mention, in the late 90s, the invasion of boyband/girlband pop hailed to be more popular than rock. Backstreet boys, Spice Girls anyone? Damn, the Spice Girls were hot.

i knew i’m different.

Despite all that I’ve liked and wanted to become, like many anxiety-ridden parents, my parents firmly devised numerous plans to model me into a “TO-BE” successful individual and chained me to lengthy Nazi-like learning programs. I was like this investment package they had invested their time and effort into building a future. Their system intensely limited my creativity and devalued my self-worth as time passes by. It was hell. I had to be really smart and get into white-collar jobs and earn loads of money enough to ferry them comfortably into retirement. I was constantly pressured to study, perform and continuously work hard to be like that cousin who became an engineer, or wealthy banker.

But I had retaliated on some events, went my own way, and then came back to them again because I thought they knew better.

So, I killed myself trying so hard, devoting copious spans of time on the goals my parents set out for me, but was frequently lost. After graduation, they wanted me to land a favourable respectful job. There was the badgering effervescent encouragement towards me to go into government service or work in an MNC. But I was a creative. Or at least I know I had that kind of blood. I knew back then, but not confidently enough. I was afraid to stand out to be myself, to be the sore thumb in the family. I kept thinking that if I didn’t think too much into it and just worked in their defined corporate jobs it would turn out fine. Would I be so very happy? Probably not. Much only in my later 20s, did I start doing things apart from my parents’ grand plans, ultimately determined to do what I want and to be myself.

no matter what, when and how old you are, you have all the right and control to be yourself.

Going into my 30s (but forever young, always young!), I am beginning to bear this conviction that if you BELIEVE, DECIDE AND DO love yourself, you will be a far more worthy, far more attractive person than anyone else you can ever emulate to be. Importantly, you will not constantly fall into senseless questioning of yourself should you encounter challenging environments that belittle your life and self-worth. And then engage in self-hurt. Plus the comparison game? Why should you even compare yourself against someone? You are in a different league altogether. You have your own standards. You only have to break the chains, cut loose from the cycle of identity crisis to be yourself. It is that simple. But difficult to commit. First, be aware and then act that it is just going to be you that matters. Everything about you - even those quirky, nasty habits that you think you possess are equally cherished and special.

So many successful people these days, it gets harder to validate yourself.

On the Internet, social media and lucrative billionaire entertainment, you will always find an opportunity to critique your life and self. IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE, those rich immaculate K-Pop idols got their shits together and are now world famous. However, all of these successful people had to realise who they truly were in each of their particular styles and callings, and had seriously worked hard on the one and only dream. It is not all glitzy dining along the Seine River in exclusivity the paparazzi permeates. Celebrities are just ordinary humans who knew and accepted themselves in greater clarity - including their strengths and weaknesses, and all the evil within. Most gradually have derived their own distinctive personalities and signature works, their own formula to the hunger games. Do you know you? Are you already doing you? What is your specialty you can bring to the world? Your niche? Don’t be a phoney replica of someone, frequently changing from one template copy to another. You will be very confused and led astray if you keep doing so.

Be proud and happy of who you are.

On the final and most hefty note, be proud (but not arrogant!) of who you are. There is a reason you are here on this Earth and aliens have no place to reside. Even the most trivial of things that you have done so far is considered unique and the stamp of your trademark. No one can replace you and nothing else can prevent your bloom, and you should be proud of that. Your parents, family, friends, colleagues and maybe strangers adore you just the way you are - if otherwise, they are foolish cucumbers, insincere and unappreciative of the beauty of your existence. They would rather go on the chopping board. Stay happy and contented in the fact that you are special sauce and many don’t deserve to get a taste of that if they don’t acknowledge your merits. Have faith, that in dire circumstances the pride and happiness of loving yourself will see you travel through and surpass the highest, thickest of setbacks even as you brace for (some) impact. Smile and look up!